When you love someone who (almost) dies
The first time, it broke me.
I was a heap of nothingness, but not quite. I was filled with guilt and fear and nothingness
The second time, I felt prepared.
It hit me like a train whose tracks my feet were stuck in, I saw it coming but desperately wanted it to stop. I knew I would survive but the carnage that would erupt in my heart would take years- eternities to mend.
The third time, I went numb.
Each call was met with the oxymoron of a callous indifference and all consuming fear.
When you love someone who suffers, you suffer too. You feel it in all aspects of you. You will change, all of a sudden, loudly, but as well in ways you don’t even know until you see old friends and they say “you’re just more serious now”
You’ll chock it up to growing up but really, truly, it is the suffering that has edited you. It is the long nights, where you wake in panic and tears, choosing to read or to scroll or to watch until your brain turns to mush and the sun comes up, because sleep brings back those dark moments and you’re not always prepared to heed off those demons.
You’ll notice that your voice will sometimes not speak when told to, your body wont rise when it’s time to, that for months later your cognition will slow, and conversations are sometimes too hard, and you’ll have to rest before you can continue.
The suffering will change you for good too.
Advocate will become your role- for the hurt, the small, the forgotten. Compassion for others will overcome you.
You will find a strength within you that is revealed through your perseverance.
Your life will become more simple- your priorities fall into place, you let go of the people and things that cause your heart to hurt because it has felt enough and you do not need to inflict anymore wounds.
You love so much more deeply, you speak it out loud.
You let people know how you’re feeling- your joyfulness, sadness, pain, desperation, because you’ll want them to do the same
You will feel so very thankful, that you got a 2nd, 3rd, 4th chance with the person you love, that you have endured, and conquered. That the Lord has brought you out of the valley, and molded you more in His likeness.
When you love someone who almost dies, it changes you.
And it’s okay